I could do so much for the money I spend. So why the fuck can't I kill the last sliver of my naive, stubborn hope and just stop trying? I know I'll live and die without having experienced affection or love. I know nothing but extensive plastic surgery, which I can't afford, could make me even average. I still watch makeup tutorials and constantly refill my makeup drawers and skincare shelf to look as "good" as I possibly can. I still take great care buying and putting together outfits because an outfit happened to look good on a pretty model on Instagram, whose attractiveness obviously would transfer to me if I just got the same clothes, duh. I'm still bleaching and dying my hair at a hairdresser's to make it look as good as possible. I'm still paying money for dermal fillers in a desperate hope to make my masculine and unbalanced facial traits slightly more feminine and proportional. Hell, men sometimes even sneer and call me ugly out on the street, and kids ask me if I'm a boy or a girl. I've been rated bottom tier at Reddit's rating subs, and my Photofeeler results made me cry. I can't even relate to other women and their experiences. I'm cis and I've never for a second held doubt regarding my gender identity, but the way others see, treat and view me makes me feel unfeminine and inappropriate, to the point where I feel like I don't belong. I barely even know what it's like to perceived as woman. I don't know what affection, intimacy or love feels like, nor can I possibly imagine it other than in completely unrealistic and romanticized fantasies. I've never in my entire life gotten one single compliment for my appearance. At 18, I knew I never would be able to have a relationship or sex. At 10, I remember crying on my bed and writing long letters on my computer, expressing my self hatred and my wish to die. Even back then, I remember realising that my face made my unlikable, and that I'd always struggle with social relationships and love. The first time I got bullied and ostracized for my face, I was 5 years old.
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